Belief and Gratitude change our perspective of how we experience life experiences. As we move through life no matter what the circumstances we are given, the challenges we face, or the adventures we choose, I have come to realise that all we really need is to pack some belief that we will find a way, and gratitude for the journey when we do.
8 years ago I committed to change my own mind and change my life. I took out a contract with myself that the next 8 years would be dedicated to complete personal transformation with every aspect of my life reviewed, assessed and transformed as required.
This process continues today and while I am not where I want to be yet, I am a long way from where it all began, terrified, living a life that was totally unfulfilling, alone in my own mind, alone in my relationships, unhappy at work, miserable in my personal life and then sitting in a raft in Uganda with crazy people facing one of the worlds most dangerous rivers.
I have seen a lot in my life and yet nothing comes close to the experience of experiencing a powerful river full of wild animals while being guided by extreme adventurers. None of the life situations I have found myself in previously gave me the same chill, even the really bad stuff as for me it lacked the genuine fear and deep respect for how quickly this could end your life. Here and now, gone in a second. Dead.
So what takes you through something like this mentally?
BELIEF - The confidence that arises naturally through the process, creating self trust and removing doubts that arise though fantasy.
GRATITUDE - Letting go of desired outcomes and fully embracing the privilege of pursuing goals and dreams, loving the process of living in a moment.
As I reflected on this entire process I began thinking deeply about where I was in my mind at that time, likely a form of suicidal in my thinking as looking back I had crossed a mental boundary, something very different was happening. I can clearly remember thinking that I had told nobody of the actual magnitude of this trip, where I was really going or when I would return. I just went. I didn't care what happened and I just want to feel something. Anything. A connection to feeling alive as it had all drained out of me by that point, I just didn't give a fuck. And so off I went.
There are few places that consume such a great part of my memory as the Murchison Falls section of the Nile River in Uganda. It is as wild a place as I have ever set foot, (maybe with the exception of an Essex night club) and contains some of the biggest Whitewater anywhere on earth, this is basically a class 5 rapid safari through Uganda’s largest national park. It is also the place that changed everything.
Bound at either end by completely unimaginable cascading waterfalls, full of dangerous wildlife, and highlighted by class 5 Whitewater, this section of river is one giant "what the absolute fuck is that moment." It’s a serious undertaking, so there were more than a few concerns bouncing through my head when I ended up sitting in a raft, in Uganda, facing one of the most dangerous rivers in the world, and asking myself, How the fuck did I get here!
This section of Murchison had only been rafted four times successfully, with three of those trips being led by our head guide, Pete Meredith. The other was its first descent in 1996 by Cam Mcleay’s Adrift team, which has since taken to softer options on the upper sections of the Nile. Totally get that Cam, had I read the brochure I would have fucked off that way too.
Pete’s first trip was in 2004 during a historic descent of the entire Nile, the first source-to-sea of its legendary 4,000+ miles. Since then, he had returned with three other groups of professionals to challenge this section, the steepest, most dynamic section on the Nile bringing the total number of rafters to complete it, including our team, up to about 25, roughly .06% of the 4,000+ who have stood atop Mt. Everest.
We asked Pete, Why so few? He replied in his unmistakable unflappable tone. “Because it’s dangerous and full of wild animals Brew.” Among the multitudes of hazards and challenges was the LRA (Lord’s Resistance Army). They posed a significant threat, largely keeping us as a group off the north bank of the river. Today, the threat is not so militant.
Standing at start of this journey was our group thinking about weaving a risk-minimising route through seemingly infinite channels, passing thousands of hippos, and seeing the large crocodiles often keen to chase the rafts we would be in. Not an entirely relaxing way to spend an evening with people you barely know, all who now hold your life in their hands, literally, my life is now in the hands of god and crazy people I don't know. Amazing.
Just to add to the fun that evening our doctor, an army captain and no stranger to danger had decided this trip was not sensible in anyway and left the team on the night we were due to set off. As we were already in the jungle camping on the river banks this would mean us all getting a crash course in medical emergencies like having a leg bitten off by a crocodile, nice. Or maybe something lovely like putting a fellow team member back together after a hippo has bitten clean through them. Or holding my own arm on using tampons to stop the bleeding. Yes, tampons were a big part of the jungle survival kit in case of limb loss.
Great! No anxiety here then.
Do keep in mind that our team leaders close friend had been eaten by a croc, taken from his kayak on a previous expedition on the same river. I believe this had a lot to do with his motivations to find peace by beating the river that so mercilessly took his friend.
Aside now from having a newly found respect for life and being given a giant kick in the arse which had snapped me out of wallowing in self pity, I was now struck by the immensity of the place, awed by the power of the Nile descending like a laver flow to the massive falls and consuming everything in its path with a sound of thunders greatest thunder. I have never seen or heard anything like it again to this day. Not even sitting in Devils Pool at the bleeding edge of Victoria Falls has come close to being engulfed by the feeling of awe and fear on that river. I would say you have to be there, yet I would exercise caution if taking that up literally.
This was the first time anyone had attempted to get a novice (me) down such a challenging river. Nobody was certain it was a good idea and by the looks on the faces of everybody involved, it certainly seemed like a bad one. There were two other novices feeling the terror of these moments and I am pretty certain they were not confidently laughing inside either.
Our doubts about this entire trip were compounded when, 15 minutes downstream from the put-in, my raft flipped, sending me and two guides into swirling, dark currents. This is not a good place to be. Sucked to the bottom of a river infested with hippo and crocodiles, with the added bonus of knowing some large hungry specimens had just been released here having eaten villagers locally.
Alex Aitken, guide from Kenya, unaccustomed to such a high-volume river, got the worst with 10+ seconds of downtime in an eddy line, only to resurface far upstream of the raft, which had been taken by the main current. Another rapid was just ahead. With three swimmers including me still trying to reach the upside-down raft, when we did reach it, I can't explain how it feels to be scrambling out of that river knowing to get the raft upright, you are going to need to flip it and then jump back in to crocodile infested water again so that you can climb into the right sided raft. Great!
We all knew flipping was a major risk with flipping and swimming on this river with hippos and crocodiles make it a different story from most. Dealing with white water x-factors is one thing, yet what happens in the pools below these rapids is anyone’s guess and could be our worst nightmare, being taken apart and eaten by unpredictable wildlife is not my idea of a good way to spend an afternoon. Well I did say I wanted to feel life, I did say anything would do it.
Ok, so this was why we had trained in the lead up, hauling ourselves back onto the raft, flipped it over safely into the current and resumed our positions, now out in the wild we knew the training had paid off and we were very grateful to have invested that time in each other.
So our worst-case scenario had happened in the first 20 minutes, and we came shining through, the gravity of what we were doing fully and quickly matured in our heads. It took me everything I had to stay calm knowing that there was no way out, no exit, and no plan B for many miles to come. There is no way to get a rescue crew in there, it just wasn't possible.
I was shaken to the core and I had just been swimming in waters infested with wildlife, tense would be an understatement of the general group feeling, especially after a second flip only 30 minutes downstream which found me swimming again. Anyone would think if I enjoyed swimming so much a trip down to Southend sea front would have been a better option.
Soon after making the recovery yet again, someone yelled “Croc!!!” and tension soared as we three kayakers scrambled into the rafts to watch a small two-meter croc eye us from a safe distance, seemingly curious to see what was passing his pool.
This wasn’t the last croc sighting, but thankfully the two early flips were the only ones. The river became more difficult and isolated as the days went on although being enveloped in the great Ugandan landscape helped us calm down as our doubts were overshadowed by the place itself. We settled into a rhythm and it became clear to all that this was not a river to conquer or overcome, but more a place to simply be, experience, and calm your demons.
The long days all rolled into a magical, exhilarating and exciting adventure of epic proportion and we reached an unplanned take-out after the rafts ended up right side of the river. Here we were forced into a long series of rapids above Murchison Falls. A mistake in this final series of 300-meter-wide rapids would certainly mean plunging over the falls to certain death.
Unfortunately for us we had all spent the last night discussing exactly where we did not and MUST not be at this point, River Right Side. This was all I had heard for the most of the evening and yesterday when the team discussed the impending doom for anyone unfortunate enough to find themselves stranded on right side of the river, which frankly means being at the mouth of the falls and exactly the opposite position to where our pick up crew would be meeting us, on the left side of the river. Yay for us. Good plans well made.
One thing that I have neglected to mention at this point was during basic training and having watched several potential team mates being dismissed from taking part on the basis they would endanger the lives of others, I had been told that I was not a strong enough swimmer for these rapids. Excellent! In real terms what they were saying is that should I find myself swimming, while I am unlikely to endanger anyone else, I would likely die trying to escape the current of the rapids. GREAT! So glad I came.
So, what they said is this. In summary mate, you seem like an ok guy, if we can't get to you it's likely you will not be capable of saving yourself, that said you are not likely to kill anyone else either. So did I still want to join the trip?
Of course I did! Even if I had no fucking idea what that actually meant. Oh dear.
So back to our position on the doomed right side of the river when I actually see the team making plans to push for the left side in the raft with our group going first. Say what now?
At this point the choices were simple.
We take a walk through the jungle, preferably avoiding the lions who hopefully won't be fully awake yet, ideally staying away from the elephants, snakes and other locals of that nature, and we call in the crew to meet us river left when we exit near a trail before the lions realise what's happening and their dinner drives away.
OR, option two. Not a compelling advance on option one which was still getting my vote.
We make a crazed attempt to cross the river from right to left where any mistake in this final series of 300-meter-wide rapids, rapids which we already agreed a raft or swimmer could not make, will involve us plunging over the falls to certain death.
So yes I started to panic, particularly when we were instructed that should this attempt go bad (which obviously it would), we are to remove our life jackets as they will slow us down in the water, leap over the side and swim like fuck for the shore. Ok. I think I just heard you say let's all commit suicide and now I am really feeling my newly found appreciation for life and the potential of having a future! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fortunately, soon thereafter the decision to end the trip a single kilometre above the predetermined take-out on the left side and take option one with a walk through the jungle. In fairness this did little to temper the excitement and relief of successfully finishing the first commercial trip down Murchison. We won! And we are alive!
Me, Kyle, and Glen had done it with an amazing team, and the smiles at take-out were a real indication of the fact we absolutely loved it (once we finished!).
Any doubts I had about taking on the greatest challenge of my life and seeing if I could survive with no safety net in the wild were firmly put to bed, although when thinking about future adventures I likely will not be adding this specific river to my list of destinations.
I can now see with reflection how unimaginably powerful a process of transformation has been for for me, where it has taken me, and the abilities it provided me to help myself, support others and to develop the idea of living with an Opportunity Mindset.
Seeing how powerful that continues to be in overcoming all challenges in my own life, while supporting others and thinking of how to create more meaningful impact gives me a lot of joy.
In taking on the Nile I became one of a few rafters to complete Murchison Falls, bringing the total number of people to complete the river up to about 25, roughly .06% of the 4,000+ who have stood atop Mt. Everest.
Far more importantly this was an experience that led me to personal positive transformation, thinking far more carefully about Doing Well Doing Good in the world, and why I should be grateful to be alive every single day, regardless of circumstances.
In short, I am glad I didn't die on the river and can always use this experience and others earlier in my life to think through challenging times calmly, knowing that while they may be very difficult, challenging, and certainly not ideal circumstances, they are not likely to actually kill me in this very moment. With that being the case I have a choice to step forward, or retreat. I never retreat.
And if it does look like there may be a monster coming over the hill likely trying to kill me?
Well, you can take your best shot as I don't go down easily.
In conclusion having avoided death on several occasions of my own making, I look at where I find myself today on a new life horizon living the here and now with all my love, gratitude and thanks to Yasmin Barnard and my girls. The greatest gift ever received and far beyond my wildest hope at the beginning of this journey.
It's so empowering to look back and think about life, all the good, the bad and the ugly to see the waves of change that we will always continue to live through. I believe we are all works in progress, a bit like drops of water in a vast ocean and no one drop of water can ever understand the enormous complexity of the entire ocean of which the drop forms a tiny part.
Life is a collection of experiences to be experienced in all forms and finding beauty in the flow of our universe through a process of Inner Engineering I believe is the path to inner peace. This path becomes the road to a greater understanding of ourselves, the world around us and how we can start to meaningfully connect to a process of healing a broken society so desperately in need of positive transformation by people Doing Well, and Doing Good together for a global community.
Doing Well and Doing Good together is going to be a life long journey helping and supporting each other to remove self consciousness and the negative self perceptions that can be developed in childhood. This process of learning to understand ourselves, our surroundings and rethinking traditional thinking by expanding our consciousness will need a move back to ancient wisdom and using applied psychology with a lot of philosophical debate to support humanity through an obvious time of crisis.
What takes us all through something like this mentally?
BELIEF - The confidence that arises naturally through the process, creating self trust and removing doubts that arise through fantasy.
GRATITUDE - Letting go of desired outcomes and fully embracing the privilege of pursuing goals and dreams, loving the process of living in a moment.
While this is simple to know, it is far from easy to implement.
As we move through life no matter what the circumstances we are given, the challenges we face, or the adventures we choose. I have come to realise that all we really need is to pack some belief that we will find a way, and gratitude for the journey when we do.
Ultimately nothing is ever the end, it is simply the END OF THE BEGINNING.
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